I was a shy child. Well, that’s not entirely true – rather, I was aware of being weird and kept quiet in order to appeal normal. It didn’t always work and I was often bullied. So I shrank away from the other kids, growing up into an adult that avoided situations where I met other adults.
That changed after I had kids. As a parent, I had to talk to other people. Health workers, doctors, and teachers. While I was never comfortable, I started to unfurl and dared to try new things. I found sci-fi conventions and people who had similar interests, and discovered that I could be myself in those spaces.
At the end of 2018, my then husband had a stroke. Becoming full-time carer meant I couldn’t go out as much. I was needed at home so much. I tried to maintain some escape, but then Covid came along and, as my ex was classed as extremely vulnerable, it put a kibosh on anything that wasn’t shopping or taking him to his appointments.
With my freedom curtailed, plus some lovely gaslighting, I found myself shrinking again. The abuse I suffered didn’t leave bruises, but it destroyed the confidence I’d struggled to gain since adolescence.
Jump to April 2023, Star Trek: Picard season 3, and the episode “Vox”. To me being so annoyed at feeling things for the now-dead Liam Shaw that went onto X to yell at Todd Stashwick, aka the guy who played Shaw. Now Todd is a nerd. One of the things he nerds out loudly about is D&D. As I read interviews and listened to podcasts, I heard him say to get out and find people to play with. Over and over.
Easier said than done. I was still with the ex, with the divorce going through, and suffering from anxiety. The idea of going out terrified me. Quite what I was afraid of, I don’t know,
but it was almost crippling. Yet, I was determined. A Google search resulted in me finding Dungeons & Flagons. I followed their Instagram account and stared longingly at the photos. Come June, the desire to go outweighed the fear of doing so. I plucked up every ounce of courage that I could and bussed into Manchester city. To a pop-up board game evening where I nearly threw up from nerves.
But I stayed and it was fine.
I stayed and it was fun.
I did several of their weekend events. Then I pushed myself further and DMed a one-shot. It was silly and got out of hand and I laughed. I couldn’t remember the last time I did that.
Now I’d had a taste of freedom, I wanted more. An Instagram ad introduced me to Sing Space Choir. I went to a taster in September 2023 and loved it so much that I signed up for the full term that night.
Being part of choir has changed me. My confidence has grown massively. While being in a group meant not standing in the spotlight, every performance saw me edge closer to the front. To letting go of the need to be perfect and just enjoy the moment.
Now, another Instagram ad has led me to chase a dream I’ve had since a child. Since watching comedians in general and Victoria Wood in particular. Yes, I’m going to try stand-up comedy.
Even typing that makes my heart race. Putting myself out there is still scary. But I’m getting braver, or at least more used to feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Like Todd says, we’re only here once, and I don’t want to regret missing a chance, an opportunity that presented itself. I figure that, if I try stand-up and fail, then at least I tried.
Not that I can fail at comedy – even dying on stage is an opportunity to learn what works and what doesn’t. Of course, my ADHD-riddled brain thinks that I ought to be brilliant from the get-go. My brain can do one, quite frankly. I’m not listening to that voice anymore.
All this is to announce that I’m doing Beat the Frog on the 4th August. This is a comedy competition, because why not throw myself into the deep end? LOL. I won’t win, but I’m not doing it to win. I’m doing it to learn, to polish, and to get experience.
And despite the racing heart, I’m excited to try. Because what if I don’t fall?
What if I fly?